I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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