she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
