Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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