Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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