The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
