I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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