He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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