dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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