I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize