everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You left your phone here
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