If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
