hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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