Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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