I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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