i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
