Where did you get a picture of my penis
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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