you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
