Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
