all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
