Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
