I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
