wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize