If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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