1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
