I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
