Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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