the day after is always just damage control
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize