my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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