God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Randomize
