but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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