Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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