Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
