What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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