my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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