Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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