I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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