Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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