The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
