i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize