I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
there's paper in my vomit.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
