I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
