I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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