Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
