So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
