soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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