shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
