I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
