why didn't you poke me back
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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