I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
