He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
