I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
