thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
