I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
