just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
