is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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