that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
