then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
