ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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