i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
